On the Road with Saint Augustine Read online

  © 2019 by James K. A. Smith

  Published by Brazos Press

  a division of Baker Publishing Group

  PO Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

  www.brazospress.com

  Ebook edition created 2019

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

  ISBN 978-1-4934-1996-8

  Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

  Quotations from Augustine, Confessions, translated by Henry Chadwick (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1991), are reproduced with permission of Oxford University Press through PLSclear.

  Interior design by Brian Brunsting

  For Deanna,

  my Alypius:

  co-pilgrim, faithful friend, kindred soul

  “You boys going to get somewhere, or just going?” We didn’t understand his question, and it was a damned good question.

  —Jack Kerouac, On the Road

  ■

  A heart on the run keeps a hand on the gun

  You can’t trust anyone.

  —Jason Isbell, “Cover Me Up”

  ■

  Imagine you’ve been flailing and flailing and expecting to drown and your foot hits bottom.

  —Thomas Wolfe, The Story of a Novel

  ■

  Look, you’re here, freeing us from our unhappy wandering, setting us firmly on your track, comforting us and saying,

  “Run the race! I’ll carry you! I’ll carry you clear to the end,

  and even at the end, I’ll carry you.”

  —Augustine, Confessions

  Contents

  Cover i

  Half Title Page ii

  Title Page iii

  Copyright Page iv

  Dedication v

  Epigraph vii

  Introduction xi

  Orientation 1

  Heart on the Run: How to hit the road 3

  Augustine Our Contemporary: How to find yourself 20

  A Refugee Spirituality: How to live between 36

  Detours on the Way to Myself 57

  Freedom: How to escape 59

  Ambition: How to aspire 77

  Sex: How to connect 92

  Mothers: How to be dependent 106

  Friendship: How to belong 120

  Enlightenment: How to believe 142

  Story: How to be a character 158

  Justice: How to protest 177

  Fathers: How to be broken 193

  Death: How to hope 205

  Homecoming 222

  Acknowledgments 224

  Notes 227

  Index 239

  Photo Insert 241

  Cover Flaps 249

  Back Cover 251

  Introduction

  This is not a biography. This is not a book about Augustine. In a way, it’s a book Augustine has written about you. It’s a journey with Augustine as a journey into oneself. It’s a travelogue of the heart. It’s a road trip with a prodigal who’s already been where you think you need to go.

  But it’s also the testimony of someone who has spent time on the road with Augustine. In Jack Kerouac’s iconic novel On the Road, the narrator Sal Paradise plays chronicler to the antics of the star of the story, Dean Moriarty, who is really the exemplar, the hero, the model. So just call me Sal. I’ve been on a ride with Augustine. Here’s what I’ve seen; here’s what he’s shown me (about myself); here’s why you might consider coming along.

  This is an invitation to journey with an ancient African who will surprise you by the extent to which he knows you. It’s not because he’s some guru, some Freudian analyst who haughtily sees through you. He only knows you because he’s been there, because he has a sense of the solidarity of the human race in our foibles and frustrations and failed pursuits. If he jackhammers his way into the secret corners of our hearts, unearthing our hungers and fears, it’s only because it’s familiar territory: he’s seen it all in his own soul. Augustine isn’t a judge; he’s more like an AA sponsor. “Nothing you could tell me would surprise me,” he would say. “Let me tell you my story.” One could say of Augustine what Leslie Jamison notes about Don Gately in Infinite Jest: He’s “no saint. That’s why he made salvation seem possible.”1

  But the reason to consider Augustine as a guide for the journey is not just because he’s an incisive psychologist familiar with the antics of the mind in exile, or because he’s mapped the joyrides of “liberated” selves. What makes Augustine a guide worth considering is that, unlike Sal’s Dean, he knows where home is, where rest can be found, what peace feels like, even if it is sometimes ephemeral and elusive along the way.

  I won’t pretend there isn’t something scandalous about his advice. Augustine will unapologetically suggest that you were made for God—that home is found beyond yourself, that Jesus is the way, that the cross is a raft in the storm-tossed sea we call “the world.” But what I hope you’ll hear in this is not a solution or an answer, not merely a dogmatic claim or demand. For Augustine, this was a hard-fought epiphany that emerged after trying everything else, after a long time on the road, at the end of his rope. The Christian gospel, for Augustine, wasn’t just the answer to an intellectual question (though it was that); it was more like a shelter in a storm, a port for a wayward soul, nourishment for a prodigal who was famished, whose own heart had become, he said, “a famished land.”2 It was, he would later testify, like someone had finally shown him his home country, even though he’d never been there before. It was the Father he’d spent a lifetime looking for, saying to him, “Welcome home.”

  Augustine is uncanny for us: he is so ancient he is strange, and yet his experiences are so common they feel contemporary. My hope is that this uncanniness might give you a sense of what an authentic Christianity feels like from the inside. The wager here is that an ancient African might make Christianity plausible for you, mired in the anxieties and disappointments of the twenty-first century. That’s not necessarily because you’ve been looking for God, but because you’ve been trying to find yourself. When you go spelunking in the caves of your soul with Augustine, you might be surprised who you meet down there.

  Augustine might make Christianity believable for you even if you’ve heard it all, been there, done that, and left the stupid Christian T-shirt at home. Here’s a Christianity to consider before you stop believing. Augustine might make Christianity plausible again for those who’ve been burned—who suspect that the “Christianity” they’ve seen is just a cover for power plays and self-interest, or a tired moralism that seems angry all the time, or a version of middle-class comfort too often confused with the so-called American Dream. If the only faith you can imagine is the faith of your parents, Augustine has been down that road. What if it was precisely the strangeness of his ancient struggles that made Augustine perennial, someone with the distance from our own immersion to give us a vantage point for seeing ourselves—and the Christian faith—anew?

  IN HER MEMOIR Hold Still, photographer Sally Mann quotes one of her father’s diary entries: “Do you know how a boatman faces one direction, while rowing i
n another?”3 This book you are holding is an invitation to a posture like that: to move forward by looking back, to make progress by considering ancient wisdom. To get in a boat headed for a new future, looking back to Augustine on the North African shore as a landmark to orient us.

  You might be surprised how many radicals and innovators have been in that boat. Thinkers and writers and playwrights who’ve shaped us more than we realize have looked back to Augustine across the twentieth century. You’ll be reintroduced to them on the road here: Martin Heidegger, the father of existentialism, whose cascading influence across France and beyond eventually made us all seekers of authenticity; Albert Camus, who named our experience of the absurd, spent the early part of his career wrestling with Augustine, and perhaps never stopped; Hannah Arendt, who probed the nature of love and friendship in conversation with Augustine; Jacques Derrida, enfant terrible of postmodernism, who deconstructed and unsettled our confidence in eternal verities and would later return to consider the secrets his North African compatriot offered. There are ways in which the twentieth century was Augustinian, which makes him our contemporary in ways we haven’t considered. What if he still speaks? What if Augustine is not only behind us but also ahead of us, waiting for us to arrive where he ended? Maybe it’s time to consider his answer to the questions he gave us.

  © Baker Publishing Group

  Heart on the Run

  How to Hit the Road

  It might be youth. It might be the reptilian impulses of a species with migration encoded in its DNA. It might be your inferiority complex or the boredom of small-town claustrophobia or the exhibitionist streak you’ve never told anyone about. It might be the hungers of ancestors whose aspirations have sunk into your bones, pushing you to go. It might be loneliness. It might be your inexplicable attraction to “bad boys” or the still unknown thrill of transgression and the hope of feeling something. It might be the self-loathing that has always been so weirdly bound up with a spiritual yearning. It might be the search for a mother, or a father, or yourself. It might be greed or curiosity. It might be liberation or escape. It might be a million other reasons, but we all leave.

  It’s like all we ever do is leave. “Honey, all I know to do is go,” the Indigo Girls confess in “Leaving.” You can leave without a bus ticket, of course. You can depart in your heart and take an existential journey to anywhere but the “here” that’s stifling you. You can be sleeping in the same bed and be a million miles away from your partner. You can still be living in your childhood bedroom and have departed for a distant country. You can play the role of the “good son” with a heart that roams in a twilight beyond good and evil. You can even show up to church every week with a voracious appetite for idols. Not all prodigals need a passport.

  We leave because we’re looking. For something. For someone. We leave because we long for something else, something more. We leave to look for some piece of us that’s missing. Or we hit the road to leave ourselves behind and refashion who we are. We hit the road in the hope of finding what we’re looking for—or at least sufficiently distracting ourselves from the hungers and haunting absences that propelled our departure in the first place.

  And the road doesn’t disappoint: it offers an unending ribbon of sights and stop-offs whose flashing billboards promise exactly what you’re looking for—happiness, satisfaction, joy. Indeed, the road has a strange way of showing what looks like a destination in the distance that, when you get there, points to another destination beyond it. So just when you think friendship or wealth or a family or influence was your ultimate destination, you hang out there for a while and the place starts to dim. What once held your fascination—even, for a time, seemed like it was your reason to live—doesn’t “do it” for you anymore. You won’t admit it to yourself for a long while. After all, you sent out all those celebratory announcements about your new existential home. You effectively told everyone you’d arrived; you believed it yourself. But at some point you’ll finally be honest with yourself about the disappointment, and eventually that disappointment becomes disdain, and you can’t wait to get away. Fortunately, just as you start to look around, you see the promise of a new destination down the road.

  Like the crew in Kerouac’s On the Road, we convince ourselves that “the road is life.”1 We’ve been shaped by a book that many of us have never read, the tale of bohemians and beatniks on a journey of self-discovery. On the Road chronicles their quest for experience, for authenticity. The narrator, Sal Paradise, paints a picture of the road that suggests happiness is crooking our straight paths. Like John the Baptist in negative, Sal Paradise proclaims the incessant, frantic way of his messiah, Dean Moriarty: “Dean is the perfect guy for the road because he actually was born on the road.”2 But really, who isn’t?

  Our road-hunger is like some leftover evolutionary habit from our ancestors. But ours is a pilgrimage without a destination—which is to say, it’s not a pilgrimage at all but rather a pilgrimage deferred, not because we stay home but because we revel in the roaming, or at least try to talk ourselves into that. Our ancestors sang psalms of ascent as they marched to Zion or made the arduous hajj to Mecca or wended their way to Canterbury. We’ve inherited their pilgrim penchant, but it’s morphed into unsettledness, a baseline antsy feeling that leaves us never feeling at home (which brings to mind the Freudian notion of the “uncanny,” the Unheimlich, not-at-home-ness). We’re always on the move, restless, vaguely chasing something rather than oriented to a destination. We’re all a bit like Mississippi Gene, whom Sal meets in On the Road: “He had no place he could stay in without getting tired of it and because there was nowhere to go but everywhere.”3

  If the road is life, then we’re not really vagabonds. To be on the way is to have arrived. Ignore “the feeling of sadness only bus stations have”;4 ignore the nights of despair and move on;5 don’t get too hung up on your recognition that “LA is the loneliest and most brutal of American cities.”6 And when you find yourself haunted by the sense that you’ve forgotten something and recognize this as the wake-up call of mortality, the vague way the fear of death settles over your wandering, be like Sal: find a friend who will take you to the club and numb the sound of that revenant.7 The trick is to convince yourself that the road is life, making restlessness peace, uprootedness home, like Sal: “The car was swaying as Dean and I both swayed to the rhythm and the IT of our final excited joy in talking and living to the blank tranced end of all innumerable riotous angelic particulars that had been lurking in our souls all our lives.”8

  Whether we can really pull this off is the question considered in Up in the Air, a George Clooney film based on the novel by Walter Kirn. Ryan Bingham, played by Clooney, has shed all attachments. He lives on airplanes and is “at home” in airports. His quest isn’t a destination but incessant journeying: he wants to be a million miler. In fact, he has made a career of telling people to shed everything that would hold them down. As a motivational speaker with a gimmicky prop—a backpack filled with all the things that weigh us down, especially relationships—Bingham counsels up-in-the-air independence. But when his assistant finally challenges him with the question, “What do you want?” Bingham is silent (“You don’t even know what you want,” she spits back.) And when he achieves the sought-after million-miler status, the captain visits him, congratulates him (“We appreciate your loyalty”), and asks, “So where are you from?” Bingham’s only reply is, “I’m from here.” The hollowness rings in his own ears.

  The question that haunts our journey, the question that Sal Paradise is confronted with early on, goes unanswered: “You boys going to get somewhere,” a Nebraska farmer asks, “or just going?” Looking back, Sal now sees: “We didn’t understand his question, and it was a damned good question.”9 Do we tell ourselves we’re “just going” in order to guard against the disappointment of never arriving? Do we call the road “home” to avoid the pain of never being welcomed?

  What if you met a saint on the road, and that sain
t had a map and had spent time at every stop-off that lured but then disappointed you? What if he’d already met the “you” you somehow want to be? What if he could introduce you to the person you’ve been looking for and lead you to a house with many rooms, where a Friend would open the door and say, “Welcome home. You can rest here”?

  A YOUNG MAN meanders through the bustle of the port at dusk, his last night in Africa. His father is dead. He has eluded his cloying mother with a lie that pains him, but it is a necessary evil if he’s ever going to escape her and her provincial faith. The waves of the Mediterranean lap on the coast of Carthage with hints of hope, as if carrying the transformation he’s expecting in Rome. The Eternal City is now invested with the glow of his success, like Gatsby’s green light blinking as a beacon of a future, hoped-for arrival. In Rome he’ll finally find what he’s been looking for. In Rome he’ll become the man he’s destined to be, the person he deserves to be. Augustine will have arrived.

  Granted, yes, he once expected to find all this in Carthage, as close as one could get to Rome in Africa. It’s where he discovered the theater. It’s where he found his professional calling and started to move in literary circles. It’s where he fell in love with love. It’s where he found her. But now Carthage feels like a backwater: unsophisticated, provincial, a town not big enough for his importance. What had been a destination has now become a way station. The place he longed to reach is now just a launching pad to the new destination that promises happiness.

  Just before dark, the sails begin to ripple. A fortuitous wind has arrived. Time to go. “The wind blew and filled our sails and the shore was lost to our sight.”10

  But when he gets to Rome, that beacon is still blinking. Now it’s coming from Milan, seat of the emperor. The next rung on the ladder is a post as an imperial rhetor; the networks the young man has cultivated are paying off. When the job offer arrives, it comes with a promise that he will be transported via the imperial courier (cursus publicus). Funny how dingy Rome suddenly looks when the emperor sends Air Force One to whisk you away to his palace.